MoonSense

Pomes! Pomes! Pomes!

2011-01-29T13:44:00.006+05:30

I checked the stats and it’s curious how many people type in the keywords ‘Pyaasi Chudel’ (Thirsty Witch/Ogre) and land up here.

If you’re one of those, sorry, brothers and sisters, this isn’t that sort of a site.

It’s corn that gets reaped here:

On the super-natural -

The Ghost Don't Scare Me

The Genie got mugged in the bottle

On the social -

The City Run

The Saga of Donato

A Kooky Love Story

Descartes and the Drink

On the Da Vinci Code

Phony Sheik selling fake Rembrandt

Green Cock on an old wall

On the political -

All Hat and No Cattle

Blair and Beckham

The Mess in Mess-O-Potomia

Ahmadinejad and Bush: On The Internets

Peace on Board

The Gropher- In-Chief (Why Isn't I Popular?)

On the personal -

Full of Bull

Oh, don't bury me in the prairie

Just Because I'm Dead

Pea Soup for My Soul

2010-12-18T19:51:00.001+05:30

I drank pea soup for my soul

I had it in a large bowl

I ate it with a spoon

Right when the clock struck noon

It was nice and good

Totally improved my mood.

Someone Else’s Shoes

2010-11-11T11:11:00.000+05:30

They say you shouldn't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes,

But try it, just try it, and they'll have you back and before a judge, with your neck in the noose,

Demanding that you hand over the shoes before they cook your goose,

And then extracting a fine too for all the mileage you covered when you were on the loose.

Loving you is hell

2010-10-06T01:23:00.003+05:30

Loving you is hell
It ought to ring a sane bell
But, no, I still think you're a fine sell
And, one of these days, it's going to land me in jail

I've money in the bank, I could use it for bail
But the idea of spending it that way is already making me wail
A sounder option is to see you off on the rail
Last time we did, I was right behind on your trail

Why can't you be a normal, everyday male?
Not a crank with a wishing well
Dancing on every sharp edge and tweaking fate's tail
Yes, loving you is hell

Fingers

2010-09-10T09:34:00.003+05:30

Things happen in a war
Some soldiers smoke tar
Others collect fingers in a jar
They pursue their hobby over there
So no one will indulge in it over here
You know how it is, don't you?
It is not anything at all to rue
What would be a crime here
Is only collateral damage there
That's just the way things are
Keep sticking stickers to your car
Good citizens, never question the crème de la crème
Unstintingly support the Kill Team

King Arthur's Round Table

2010-07-15T23:13:00.000+05:30

Ham and Jam and Spamalot,
Arthur reigned in Camelot.
His table we have found,
And it is nice and round.

He and his knights sat around it to plot,
How they were going to rule without a blot.
Everyone would have Ham and Jam in Camelot,
And lack of the proper technology would save them from Spamalot .

Meanwhile Guinevere loved Lancelot,
They gazed at each other and sighed a lot.
You know, it never really got beyond any of that,
The lady was willing, but the gent was too noble to be a rat.

My Glass Eyeball

2010-03-10T22:35:00.001+05:30

By Good King Hal, Where's My Glass Eyeball?

I bought it new just this Fall

Did I drop it in the Banquet Hall?

Or did it in the Closet fall?

I'm sure it wasn't over the Cabinet of the Red Doll

Why would I go poking over something that tall?

I asked Harry, Peter and Paul

I announced an award in Gaul

But nobody knows about my Eyeball

And it's driving me right up the wall

Up ran the Hare

2010-01-15T09:59:00.000+05:30

Up ran the Hare

And we followed on a dare

Without an ounce of sense or care

That was usual, occasions of sense were rare

And often we had no idea where we were

Like the time we got kicked by the mare

Or showed the towns-people our share

Of unadorned derriere

Ping-a-Ponga

2009-03-13T17:57:00.001+05:30

Ping-a-Ponga Poses

Atten-suhn, Atten-Shun

We all want it!

And that's why we go

Ping-a-Ponga Poses

And if we all fall down

It will just mean more...

Atten-suhn, Atten-Shun

And ain't that just what we want!

Inspired by the Israeli attempt to 'do' Bollywood.

The City Run

2008-01-26T10:36:00.000+05:30

We had a city run in our town
Which brought everyone and their aunt down

The idea was to run from one end to the other
You could pay and bring along your kid brother

The notion was new to us
Cause, you know, we always took the bus

They said running will make you healthier
And our sponsored charity wealthier

So we ran and ran and ran
And the day went according to plan

Only thing is we kind of liked it too much
Now all the town folks have taken to running as such

If we want to get from Point A to Point Zee
We run all the way, you see

Our automobiles are now rusting with disuse
The State Transport company is blowing a fuse

But global warming has receded from our town
No longer are our fields dusty and brown

The whole atmosphere is green, fresh and bright
And we're the only ones you can see clearly from a space satellite.

I Love Adverbs Dearly

2008-01-25T19:52:00.003+05:30

I love adverbs dearly

I toss them about liberally

Why do grammarians hate adverbs so avidly?

How come they miss the Adverbian charm so obviously?

Why insist on 'she said, he said' so fervently?

What's wrong with 'she said angrily and he said cravenly'?

Why even have such discriminatory rules, frankly?

What crime did adverbs commit, honestly?

I've never understood the need for such rules, really.

I don't see why adverbs must be avoided so diligently.

Because, you see, I love adverbs madly

I wish the whole world would use them more lavishly.

The Ghost Don't Scare Me

2008-01-24T10:18:00.002+05:30

We have a ghost in the house

And he can't even scare a mouse

It is SO embarrassing, you know

No spine tingling, ghoulish show

Just a mild and fleeting purple glow

You needn't be so restful, I said

People come from far and afar to see our dead

Can't you try and scare someone out of their head?

I hate being a tourist attraction, he said,

I long for olden, golden days when superstition bred

And fear didnae draw the good folks aboot from their bed

You modern folks sure are crazy

And a lot of you dim and hazy

Well, I've been dead a long time

And you ain't turning that into prime time!!

I'm a ghost with a fine standard

Entertaining nitwits – and mice – ain't making me grander!!

Large Dark Shit Stain

2008-01-23T12:18:00.000+05:30

There's a large dark shit stain on the white shag carpet ,

That was deposited there by my very own pet.

I'm supposed to clean it, an idea I already hate,

Getting a new carpet would be much easier, I bet.

The New Year Cometh

2007-12-31T17:32:00.000+05:30

The year that was
Was a real gas

Now it's gone
Tomorrow brings a new one

They tell me I ought to reflect
But that view I deflect

Why go over what's over?
I've future plans to mull and cover

Anyway, so the New Year Cometh
Don't Drinketh

Overmuch
Or suffer a hangover as such -

The Hangover That Lasts

The Agonies of Modern Times

2007-12-19T06:36:00.000+05:30

Oh, the Agonies of Modern Times!
Photoshopped, Adobe-Illustrated, and Corel-Drawn.

I long for the good old days when people were only
Hanged, Quartered, and Drawn.

Say NO to Thanksgiving!!!

2007-11-24T10:34:00.001+05:30

Say NO to Thanksgiving
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

'Tis not day of thankfulness for OUR community
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

While YOU smile and think of chums and brethren in your homes
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

WE make a list of kin that make your tables as centerpiece domes
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

HOW is Thanksgiving about joy and about life?
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

When extinguishing OURS is so annually rife?
Gobbly, Gobbly, Gobbleeeydo

To the Fundamentalist Book Critic

2007-08-12T22:49:00.000+05:30

Photo: AFP

So you don’t like the matter in my book?
And you want to show it by turning into a crook?

Have you really come to advocate your religion here?
By throwing that chair and stool over there?

Are you screaming to vowelize your hurt sentiment?
Is it for a salve you stoop to scoop up the sediment?

Couldn’t you express your sensitivity better than that?
You know, just hurl over the bouquet and leave out the brickbat.

------

Target Taslima: No room for critics in Islam?

MIM threatens to behead Taslima if she visits Hyderabad again

Taslima roughed up in Hyderabad

When I gave him the heave-hove

2007-06-07T19:49:00.000+05:30

When I gave him the heave-hove,
He said you’re a hard-hearted one, love.

I said, it’s not so much I don’t care,
As how much I can bear.

It’s the little things you do and say
That pile up night after day.

They throw a light on your mind
They tell me you’re far from kind.

It’s not something that can change
And it’s beyond my coping range.

You want me to fit your picture plan, your hope,
You think it’s fine if I have to narrow my scope.

I thought about it and you know what?
I could no more live in a cage than with that.

To even expect it from me is fine rum,
So here’s a long wave good-bye instead, chum.

The Deadline

2007-06-03T09:35:00.000+05:30

I moaned
And I whinged

I wailed
It’s totally beyond me

I binged on tea
And sailed adrift in the sea

I cried
Why do I even beat myself so?

Man is not a machine
And neither is woman

And even machines break down
And lights go off in the town

So why do I even attempt the impossible?
The word wasn’t coined because it was possible.

I shouted
I can’t do this
I won’t do this
I don’t want to do this
LIKE HELL, I’ll do this!!

And that’s how I got my writing done.

When I was just a little girl

2007-05-27T10:19:00.000+05:30

When I was just a little girl
All I wanted was a beard to twirl

I asked my mother why can’t I grow one?
She said, c’mon, it’ll be a pain to get the shaving done

You will need soap, you will need brush, and you will need a razor too
And if you’re not careful you’ll give yourself a cut or two

She said, why go through all that bother, my dear
When you can always give Grand-pa’s beard a morning cheer

I did and he hollered and nearly kicked me in the rear
Damn kid, he said, you had to go upset my ice-chilled beer

It's a hot, hot day

2007-05-27T09:32:00.000+05:30

It is a hot, hot day
In the month of May

I’m experiencing Western glamor
In a lovely novel by Louis L’Amour

The hero is deadbeat in the desert heat
It’s even worse here on the Indian beat

I could shed a sympathetic and empathetic tear
Reading about a dry and dusty prickly pear

He’s trudging along without water now
I’m sweltering at home out of ice-cubes you know

He falls and stumbles and rises and never gives up
I pace and grumble and moan and sluice myself with water in a cup

He survives and gets the bad guys in the end
The electricity department gets the better of me at every bend

Oh, Prince Harry

2007-02-23T01:10:00.000+05:30

Oh, Prince Harry
Stay home and marry

Your girlfriend from Africa
Or someone named Erica

'Tis not really important
Just so you know home shores are more verdant

Don't thou go to war
To Iraq, so very far

The days of the Raj are long gone
Why heroically nibble at somebody else's bone?

With trouble brewing there to such a degree
Someone will lose their skin protecting your pedigree

Stay home, take a leaf from the Bush Twins over there
Your life's more important than all the idiots dying over here.

The Coalition of the Killing

2007-02-23T01:08:00.000+05:30

Everyday you hear something thrilling
About the Coalition of the Killing

It's not enough when you've created so many tombs
With your mighty, technologically advanced bombs

To sit on your laurels and gloat
To even consider hanging up your fighting coat

NOW is the time to strike and create a greater mess
'Cause it's a War Industry, baby, and, business is business.

Finding My Joy

2007-01-31T17:45:00.000+05:30

Shining Red Apples
Warm Sunlight dapples

A Patch of Ultramarine Blue
A Flock of Flamingoes flying through

The sound of a laughing child
Whales whistling in the wild

The smell of fresh baked bread
Beautifully bound books waiting to be read

An old song coming up on the radio
Starting a new painting in the studio

The Saga of Donato

2007-01-16T07:34:00.000+05:30

It's hard to have a name like Donato
The old folks ought to have known better, oh!

Donato sounds much too much like Donation,
Some people think begging is my vocation.

The other day when I was in Cafe Good Cheer,
A lady dropped a coin in my can of beer.

Hey, lady, I said, this isn't funny,
She said, every little bit helps, sonny.

I went home and said, change my name, Ma.
We argued and changed it that very day.

Now I have a new name and it's even harder
People seem to think I've money in the larder

Now, when they see my Ma in the street, girls come tarry
Oh, Mrs. Gates, your Bill really ought to marry!!!

On the Da Vinci Code

2007-01-16T06:22:00.000+05:30

I've never more hated a novel,
Over-hyped, contrived, needs the digging end of a shovel.

I never thought religion was swell,
But this was annoying as hell.

So much conspiratorial masala in the Christianity angle,
You'd pray for some Brown spice in Jesus's marital tangle.

But, no, the writing is hurried and flat,
The characters fresh as a dead cat.

Predictable, predictable, predictable!!!
How did this get to be the toast of any literary table?

As toasts go, Professor Langdon,
'Tis an over-roasted, burnt 'un!!

If I were Da Vinci, I'm telling you,
I'd come back and sue!

All Hat and No Cattle

2007-01-05T23:45:00.000+05:30

All Hat and No Cattle,
I sound the trumpet for battle.

I'm still right behind ya, lads,
Go get more of those hajis and their dads!

We got Saddam and that's one mission accomplished,
We'll get Osama and Adam before we're finished!!

C'mon, y'all still remember Osama, don't you?
And Adam's my moniker for the Iranian Prez, woohoo!!!

Yeah, the latest blogger dude on the net scene,
Well, we're gonna dispatch him with the laden bin.

We're gonna nuke him, lads, yee-haw!!!!
Who gives a horse-shit about international law?

Cowboy Justice wins every battle,
If not, I live, you suckers get slaughtered like cattle.

The Dictator is Dead, Long Live the Leader

2007-01-02T20:25:00.000+05:30

Photo Source - Yahoo News (AFP/Internet)

The Dictator is dead, Long Live the Leader,
So I glean from my news feeder.

The Dictator was cruel and brutal and mean,
The Leader considers himself above every sin.

The condemned man was mocked and abused in his last hour,
The world savior slept on blissfully in his white bower.

Justice has been done and peace will soon be here.
So the propaganda writers write from way over there.

Does anybody remember peace?
It's for peace, said the Leader, that we began a war like this.

On Eid al-Adha, the Dictator was hung by his neck.
Is there a hope the Leader, next Christmas, will dangle in his wake?

Just Because I'm Dead

2006-12-29T14:21:00.000+05:30

Just because I'm dead,
Don't get it into your head,

That I'm open to analysis,
To be belled on little basis,

With symptoms of syndromes,
That sound like Asparagus Aerodromes,

And try to explain my quirks,
And the reasons behind my works,

With text book theories,
And far-fetched queries,

That put my original eccentricities into a common, convenient box,
And tempt me to come back and serve you all with symptoms of the pox,

I mean, Jay-sus, trying to squeeze me into your frocking head!!
For God's sake, people, respect the genius who's dead!!!!

Or, fer sure, we'll find the answer to another conundrum,
Is There An After-Life After Asperger's Syndrome?

A Kooky Love Story

2006-12-20T19:36:00.000+05:30

If you want a kooky love story, I'll give you Dante and Beatrice,
In their entire history, they never met more than thrice.

He loved and longed and pined,
She married another and died.

She never even knew of his love, you see.
He never told her, “You're my much adored popsie.”

He never sang “Bella Ciao” or even said anything that'd remotely amuse.
He just stared in the street and thought, “There goes my darling muse.”

So she died without a thought of him in the end,
He remained a one-muse man until his own last bend.

It certainly soured relations with the brand-new wife,
She had hoped to be the one and only in his life.

Four kids down the line, war broke out at home,
And all across the country, right down from Rome.

Civil strife won over Marital and off escaped Dante to exile,
Mrs. Dante dogged his footsteps and daily grew more vile.

And finally got over the yearning of being his second muse if not the first,
When, in his 'Inferno', he wrote, “My haughty wife of evils proved the worst.”

-------

Bella Ciao MP3 by Chumbawamba. I ToTaLLy love the group!!! I'm not sure if it wouldn't defeat the whole purpose of anarchism to be well-loved, but they're pretty cool.

Full of Bull

2006-09-19T22:03:00.000+05:30

I'm sometimes so full of bull
My words shouldn't make you mull

Take me with a pinch of salt
Add it to your glass of malt

But don't swallow my wisdom upfront
Always poke and see if there's a grunt

Or the temptation will be quite such
That my imagination will work overmuch

Afterall I'm only infallibly human
And an exaggeration-prone woman

The Burkha Brotherhood

2006-08-19T12:10:00.001+05:30

The Burkha Brotherhood
Has come to our neighborhood

They call themselves humanists
And they don't like feminists

They bring to us moral culture
And watch us like a hungry vulture

They insist on protection from roving eyes
But won't wear burkhas that'll fit their own size

Gunter Grass

2006-08-19T11:50:00.000+05:30

Gunter Grass
Bold as Brass

Was a Waffen SS Man
But, c'mon, why pan?

So he's a hypocrite and a liar
But then so are Bush and Blair

Grass never ever even fought a bear
As neither did this brave, devoted pair

Grass just wrote his many fictional books
Non-fictional bombings were ordered by these chooks

Grass's confession hiked up his book sales
This duo's explanations only created more wails

Grass's books do make for fine reading
This lot's speeches lack good breeding

All things considered, let's cut the old man some slack
The Barons of Hokum are the ones we should be painting black.

Blair and Beckham

2006-08-18T17:11:00.000+05:30

Oh, the times are so rough
And things have gotten more tough

Beckham is out of the English Squad
And Blair still remains in his 10 Downing Pad

It is a simply amazing fact
That requires explanation with tact

They think Beckham doesn't have any more flair
And nobody in the wide world can bend it like Blair

-----

Idea from Diane of Mother Jones.

Tits and Terrorists

2006-08-18T10:00:00.000+05:30

Tits and Terrorists
And swirling mists

Just when one starts to fantasize
One is cut down to real size

Men in black suits appear
And take away the can of beer

Also the wine, the cheese, and the vinegar
Are you also going to want my scottish burr?

Arrah, the tooth-paste, shampoo and soap?
Damn it, now how is one going to cope?

And you'll also be wanting my coat and shirt?
Alright, the pants too, you don't have to be so curt!

Flying in the buff through foreign skies feels odd
Who'd have thought nudity would become so mod?

But a fella can kind of get used to this business
Especially when everyone's taking it with such finesse

No sneaky glances below twelve 'O' clock
Or Scottish Kilt jokes swapped around the block

Safe landing, no bombs or any such excitement
Walk outside onto the New Delhi pavement

You've just aided Air Safety in your birthday suit in all certainty
And the fool-cop on the corner books you for public obscenity

-----

FRom Daily Kos - Tits and Terrorism

Ahmadinejad and Bush: On The Internets

2006-08-15T17:01:00.000+05:30

The Iranian President has started a blog
Mr. Bush read it after a good, hard slog

Everything you write is so darned long, he said.
Your 18 page missile, you know, went SO over my head

Missive, corrected Ahmadinejad, it was a peace missive
I ducked, chuckled Bush, and, gee, wasn't I dismissive

But then you went and started your blog
Endangering the world now with virtual smog

But God's watching your anti-American rants
And everyone's going to hell wearing burning pants

America and American threats, said Ahmadinejad,
You people would made the climate in hell go bad

I'm saddened truly by the situation in your Homeland Block
Healthcare cover nil, and one percent population doing Jailhouse Rock

Your approval rating is dropping and loathing level is rising
Change your behavior, open a new window, or, why, just sink

Heed my message very carefully now, bro
Misbehave more, and you will have to go

When I have to go, said Bush, I hand Condi a note
And then analysts world-over analyze what I wrote

Ahmy, tell me, how do you know Chinese anyway?
Bushie, came the answer, that's Farsi, by the way.

And so on and on and on and on they went
Isn't it great that you can just click and comment?

The Internet is truly priceless and beyond par
The two new addicts will now never go to war

The Mess in Mess-O-Potomia

2006-08-12T03:35:00.000+05:30

The Mess in Mess-O-Potomia is not our doing,
We're just as amazed as you by all the booing.

We never took a rosy view of the Mess-O-Potomia mess,
We had just naturally well and truly counted on a lot less.

But every crisis in Mess-O-Potomia turns into an opportunity for mayhem,
Even though we had really planned, you know, for a short and tidy game.

Six days, six weeks, or six months in Mess-O-Potomia at the max,
Who'd have thought it'd cost you citizens six years min in tax?

Sure is curious, but in Mess-O-Potomia, we got to stay,
We got to remain and keep those Islamic Fundies all at bay.

We intend to impose our brand of liberty on Mess-O-Potomia soon,
The Hajis are all already acquainted with gun-fights at High Noon.

Everyone knows we came to Mess-O-Potomia as liberators ,
No, we can't help it if there are now too many road craters!!

It's those Haji terrorists of Mess-O-Potomia and their crazy rockets ,
One day soon we're going to nuke them right out of their dockets!!

Now ease up, Mess-O-Potomia doesn't need UN Resolutions and Geneva Conventions ,
Besides the US Army doesn't adhere to those kind of hypothetical impositions.

We are going to do everything in Mess-O-Potomia that we militarily can,
To get those Hajis, down to every last child, woman and man.

The Mess-O-Potomia God knows, we've bombed enough of their houses,
It's amazing so many of them are still well and alive, the shitty louses!

But it'd be incorrect to call our Mess-O-Potomia adventure,
As a cruel, inhumane and degrading example of human nature.

Now we don't want to further stir up Mess-O-Potamia with semantics,
Shut up about electrified anal prods, or it'll cost you loose optics!!

-------

Truth Dig - Stewart Nails Condi on ‘Hypothetical’ Hypocrisy

The level of alert is now red

2006-08-11T22:05:00.000+05:30

The level of alert is now red
We may never go safely to bed

Because the terrorists are watching us
And they may plant a bomb in the bus

They could blow up our homes
They could smash our sacred domes

Our lives are now in perpetual danger
Our lives are certainly going to be stranger

We must now live with more care
With plenty of suspicions to spare

Is that person acting a little weird?
Why does that person wear a beard?

Shall I report my neighbor to a police authority?
Or shall I be accused of being in a terrorist sorority?

Why does she have so much baggage?
What can't I carry in my luggage?

Listen up, people, to make the world a safer place
Body cavity searches are now mandatory in every single case

Undress and put on a bright flourescent jump-suit
Fasten seat-belt, seat-cuffs, and the chain around your boot.

You can't move without permission and supervision
You can't talk or have any kind of group discussion

We'll watch you when you leave
We'll keep a tab on your every pet peeve

Welcome to the paranoia that will never end.
Prepare at every turn to hide, shrink, and bend.

Because, people, we've been led into an unjust war
And we're going to get just as much as we tar.

----------

Truth Dig - Bush Staffer on Terror Plots: ‘This Is Going to Play Big’

Lament of the House Rat

2006-08-05T16:26:00.000+05:30

It's hard to be a house rat,
Only 2 years life-span and that's that.

And these 2 years are fraught,
With getting chased or caught.

Finding oneself in a trap,
Or being enticed with poisonous crap.

A little chewing here and there,
Surely doesn't merit a murderous fare.

Such a short time already on earth.
And I'm grudged a little mirth.

Peace on Board

2006-08-05T14:16:00.000+05:30

An Israeli and an Arab took the same long-distance train,
And greeted one another with a very polite refrain.

Oh, you're going too to New York?
Yes, I hope they don't serve any pork!

They talked about art and about life ,
And the troubles one has with one's wife.

They dined together and had a large meal,
Afterwards they drank coffee with equal zeal.

Then they hemmed and hawed around to politics,
And actually agreed they were victims of other people's antics.

We always lived in harmony in Biblical times!
After the Old Testament we never had too many crimes!

Western Imperialism is ruining the land!!
We must show them we have more sand!!

We must, said the Arab, unite to fight them!!!
I'm with you, cried the Israeli, 'cause I'm always game!!!

And so they shook hands and went off to bed,
And arose early when night had fade.

The Israeli jumped up and said I'll fetch our tea,
And winked, as he went out, at the surprised T.C.

Wow, said the T.C., you haven't killed each other?
American moron, said the Arab, that there's my brother!

Afterwards he struggled and lost with life-long habit,
He picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit into it.

The Israeli came back with the tea,
My friend, he said, you'll love it, just see!

The Arab drank the tea and the Israeli put on the shoe,
They both shouted together, “What the hell's this goo?”

Tempers flared and raged, but then they quietened down,
And said we must talk because this really takes the crown!

We must really stop doing these things!
After all we're both human beings!

It's time we were civilized and sane!!
And stopped being each other's bane!!

If I swear to never again spit in your shoe,
Do you solemnly promise to urinate in a loo?

What Good is Outrage

2006-08-01T17:43:00.000+05:30

What good is outrage when the deed is done
When my children are all dead and gone

What good is saying never again
When our lives will go cheap in the next bargain

What good are the talks of peace
When our very existences are required to cease

-----------

Candide's Notebooks - Massacres at Qana - When “Never Again” Needn’t Apply to Lebanon

Descartes and the Drink

2006-07-24T11:35:00.000+05:30

I'll tell you an old Descartes joke,
That you won't get if you're a slow-poke

Descartes was the one that said,
I think, therefore I'm not dead.

Actually, it's I think, therefore I am,
I just inserted 'dead' to get out of the word jam.

Anyhow, so old Rene once went to a trendy bar,
That was known far and wide as Drunkman's Star.

Now he'd personally never yet had a drink,
Though all his friends regularly downed and went off the brink.

So, anyway, to this bar he went,
And called out, hey, a drink for a gent!

The bartender took one look and thought him underage,
He certainly didn't want to deal with that kind of legal baggage.

So he said, you can't get a drink here,
Why, we don't even serve any ginger-beer.

Rene didn't swallow such an obvious lie,
He got up and glared at the big guy.

He shook his fist and shouted, "I don't think..."
And, poof, therefore stopped existing before he got his first drink!

The Gropher- In-Chief (Why Isn't I Popular?)

2006-07-22T06:14:00.000+05:30

I'm the Gropher-In-Chief,
Yo! What the hell's your beef?

Things were getting kind of dull,
So I went and massaged Merkel.

Afterall she was the only wo-man, you know, at G8,
Did you seriously think I'd offer Vladimir my bait?

C'mon, folks, my views on gays are clear,
I wouldn't massage Tony, though he's such a dear

But Angela is entirely another matter,
And didn't I just stop Prodi's useless chatter!

He gave me such a funny look,
Like, are you President or kook?

I'm a cowboy, sir, that's what!
A classified Texan bat!!

I've the best manners, as it's known,
And around the Net it's now shown.

I'm the only one that went and rubbed the tired lady,
Why does the 'Get-a-life contingent' find it shoddy and shady?

I know she went, “Ewwwwwwwwwwww,” a bit,
But she liked it, you know, she never said shit.

(I call this diplomacy of the Bread and Butter,
You just chew and tolerate the nutter)

This could lead to closer contacts with the German Nation,
You folks should be giving me a standing ovation!

I'm working double time to spread American values,
So stop acting like you got a serious case of blues!

Have faith, people, even though I'm not very bright,
Rest easy and know, the leader is always right!!

A Blue Lotus in the Pond

2006-07-13T01:14:00.000+05:30

A Blue Lotus in the Pond
And a Reflection of a double Palm Frond

A Frog on a leaf let out a loud croak
Yet the watching Artist thought herself stony broke.

Oh, don't bury me in the prairie

2006-07-06T16:31:00.000+05:30

Oh, don't bury me in the prairie
That would be far too dreary

I hated being underground when I was alive
So when I'm dead find me a better dive

Donate my organs for somebody's gain
Then look around for a better bargain

Place me on a tall pyre
And burn me in a raging fire

But, wait, maybe there's a better solution
That won't add to the existing pollution

The other day I read about an electric furnace
Toss me into that with a lot of grace

Which means keep the caretaker and his makeup away
And DON”T allow the religious nuts in to pray

If my soul needs saving, it's from these bums
People that believe in eternal hell are not my chums

Neither the ones that believe in virgins and harps
Didn't I have enough in my life-time of these barfs?

No, as I burn put on a tape of 'The Donkey Serenade'
And if someone brayed along, I'd hoot if I weren't dead

If you try to be solemn on my special day
I swear I'll haunt you till yours in every way

And after I'm ashes, take me up in a glider
And sprinkle me over a rain-forest to make it spread wider.

There's nothing like fertilization
To achieve eternal propagation

The Therapy Session

2006-06-20T22:02:00.000+05:30

My Dad said I needed to see a Therapist
It's either that, he said, or the mad house

I said, your money, my choice, send me to Block East
We picked that nit until it turned into a louse

Finally I relented and went to the Therapist
He said, so tell me all about your inner beast

I took a few moments to think
What do I tell this loon on the brink?

Yeah, okay, I said, I have a thing for my sister's mare
Absurd, he said, tell me about what you really care

I care about being rejected, I said,
I'm afraid of being told to drop dead.

Ah, he said, now we're getting somewhere
What else do you have there?

A flicker of a hope, I said
Today she looked at me and neighed.

Alligator in my bath

2006-06-10T07:55:00.000+05:30

There was an alligator in my bath
Who said her name was Cath

She said she used to be a crocodile
Until that Dundee guy caused a rise in her bile

Do you know, she said, I closed my eyes and ate his leg
And now the nasty fellow's tottering around on his new peg

He says he knows the way I think
He says I don't have two brains to clink

But I SO do
And I'm telling you

I ain't gonna always remain an alligator
One of these days I'm gonna be a Hilton Hotel Jet-Setter.

Blue

2006-06-04T10:21:00.000+05:30

You don't have to be devoted and true
Or stick to someone like non-detachable glue

To have a life-long affair with the color Blue.

Art Story

2006-05-18T12:55:00.000+05:30

why would they say to her
that to make or draw an art piece

know which grand turn to use

If you investigate her absurd masterpiece
it can perform experiments with the aesthetic

come break, smear, waste, mount

create here a timely mess
see, do more than us

and never appear empty

live free like sheer black beer
think on every old deep symbol

as a drunk nude model seen through a white shard

write about your angry fashion sculpture

art is only a mean junk metaphor

Rhythmn and Harmony

2006-05-18T11:59:00.000+05:30

rhythmn and harmony
are coloring my feel

for the psychedelic surreal

i have a blue balance
that screams raw smoke

i picture an electric angel
and imagine green music

when painting a purple silhouette
of wild canvas passion

The Royal Rake

2006-05-13T22:50:00.000+05:30

I’ll send your entire reputation up in smoke
I’ll ruin your entire life in one stroke
Because, don’t you know, darling,
I’m just that sort of a bloke!

Now let’s have that very clear
Make no mistake, my dear,
After I fill myself with beer
I wouldn’t know you from a steer

That’s just the way I am
Take it or scram
Or you can stay and we’ll jam
Either way I don’t give a damn

Paprikole of Both the Poles

2006-05-13T13:53:00.000+05:30

1.
Yo bubba bo! cried Paprikole of both the Poles,
I’m singing from the depths of my soul!
The reason you need not know,
But an understanding ear you might show,
Instead of complaining about the noise
And trying to rob me of all my poise.
Yo bubba, BUBBA BO!

2.
Paprikole of both the Poles never had any specific goal,
What on earth for, asked he, when all I want to do is have a roll,
It’s not necessary to be a role model,
If all you want to do is sit and yodel.
Yo bubba bo!
Life like this should go!
Yo bubba BUBBA BO!

3.
Paprikole of both the Poles lived and slept under all the stars,
And didn’t at all care for all the fast, whizzing cars,
Apart from the pollution,
He didn’t think it much of a solution,
To get anywhere fast,
When you could just as well get there last!

4.
Paprikole of both the Poles naturally didn’t believe in any competition,
It gave him a ridiculous sensation,
To join the silly human race,
I’ve, he said, certainly more grace,
I’ll sit aside and watch,
While one another they fight and the blame latch,
I’m too smart a Paprikole,
To join the masses in their own dugged hole!

5.
Yo bubba bo, shouted Paprikole one night,
Why is everyone out of sight?
There’s a bright moon above,
So why can’t we all reasonably love?
C’mon you people out sunder,
Why do you need Paprikole to teach you to wonder?
Is it the same confusion as with the potter and the pot?
Am I or are you the ones with the missing dot?

---- Written on 11 November 2001

Mango on the Congo

2006-05-09T18:28:00.000+05:30

I ate a mango
On the Congo

And did a tango
With a dude named Django

We ran into a Pongo
Called King Kong – O

He beat a loud bongo

He said you can't tango
Or eat a Mango

On MY Congo

Keith Richards and I

2006-05-05T23:21:00.000+05:30

Keith Richards and I got marooned on an Island
And never thought we'd ever again see England

But, then, two things happened.

I stumbled upon an old lamp in the sands and Keith against a tall coconut tree beyond
I rubbed the lamp and Keith scaled the tree.

Again, two things happened.

A Genie emerged and cried, “Your wish is my command!”
Keith plucked a coconut and shouted, “Food for a gourmand!”

“S'long it's just one wish,” said the Genie
“Darn, how do I get down,” called Keith.

It's so hard when you got to think fast
Eat a coconut or be a permanent outcast?

But I made the right choice
And left Keith there on the tree to rejoice.

Aaron and the Rose of Sharon

2006-05-05T23:03:00.000+05:30

To me, she never said a thing
Just raised her voice loud to sing

I'm the Rose of Sharon
And I'm looking for an ultra-rich Baron

She sang that day after day after day
You could hear her all around the bay

It was enough to drive anyone up the wall
Finally I decided it was time to give her a call

Excuse me, O, Rose of Sharon
I'm your neighbor named Aaron

And I'm really trying to get some work done here
So would you quit acting like you've overdosed on beer?

She still didn't say a thing
Just raised her voice even louder to sing

I'm the Rose of Sharon
And, oh, I'm being persecuted by assholic Aaron!!

---- Written on 26 April 2006

The Baby Elephant

2006-05-05T22:52:00.000+05:30

Where do I come from, asked the baby elephant,
Why am I even here?

Answer me, can you, grandmother, give me a good reason,
For my continued existence and yours.

Elephants, sighed his grandmother, are very intelligent, I know,
But you, my child, exceed even the decent bounds, you know.

If you thought less and talked even less, maybe there’s a chance,
Of existing on this planet without reasons at all.

---- Written on 11 April 2006

Phony Sheik selling fake Rembrandt

2006-05-02T11:01:00.000+05:30

I’m a Royal Saudi Sheik
Quite the icing on the Middle-Eastern cake

I have a painting to sell
That’ll set you back pretty well

‘Cause, you see, it’s a Rembrandt no less
And it’s supposed to be priceless

I wouldn’t sell it to just anyone
You, however, seem so special, my son

So, even though, it costs a zillion
You can have it for a mere 2.8 million

Here, give me your hand to shake
And with the other hand me the cheque

What, what did you say?
I cannot cash this absolutely any day?

‘Cause the game’s up, you say
And why’s that, pray?

Since I’m no more a Sheikh than you, well damn!
And you’re more of a cop than me, hey, that’s double wham!

So, like, you’re telling me this is a sting?
Jesus, Joseph and Mary, that’s one hell of a thing!

Alright, alright, so the painting’s a total fake
But, from one phony to another, won’t you give me a break?

---- Written on 10 April 2006

From www.artcyclopedia.com:

Fake Sheik Sentenced For Faux Rembrandt A man who admitted posing as a Saudi sheik as part of a scheme to sell a fake Rembrandt painting for $2.8 million, was sentenced Tuesday to 10 months in confinement in St. Louis. St. Louis Post-Dispatch 04/04/06

Puerto Vallarta

2006-04-30T01:53:00.000+05:30

Why do I love thee Puerto Vallarta
Is it because I visited you with Marta
And we lazed on Banderas Bay and discussed the Magna Carta

Or is because you have the friendliest beach ever, O Puerto Vallarta
Where the sight of the local charms just zapped me and Marta
And unburied our noses from the age-old Magna Carta

We tried Scuba with our new amigos from Puerto Vallarta
I saw a Macaw and an Iguana greeted Marta
Back at the hotel we downed large margaritas (and tossed away the Magna Carta)

You know, we were really going to Jakarta
But a letter came one morning for Marta
It said we had won a poetry contest and two round-trip tickets to Puerto Vallarta

So we forgot all about Jakarta
And hopped on the plane to beautiful Puerto Vallarta

It is so wonderful when someone else foots La Cuenta
And that's the real reason I sing, "Me encanta Vallarta!"

---- Written on 8 April 2006

Speed

2006-04-29T20:01:00.000+05:30

The ice flew, the dogs keened, and the sun warmed the soul.
And, would you believe, there was a PoLaR Bear guarding the Pole!!

Hey, I called, we've come to rescue YOU!
He cried you can try until you turn BLUE!

This chap here seems to mean business
He's nastier than the Monster from Loch Ness

I think I'm in one hell of a mess
And it's giving me a whole lot of stress

Brace up, I said, I'll aim and I'll shoot
And then I'll give him the boot

The Pole said angrily you're out of your mind
I'd like to kick you myself in the hind

Thinking of sport
When you should be getting me out of port

Oi, Bear, give her a chew
What are you, waiting for a cue?

The Bear gave a growl
Big enough to fill an entire bowl

Listen, I said, this is for the National Geographic
People around the globe will think you are terrific

He said, oh, in that case, it was high time I shot him
And so I did, with my new Kodak Polar Special Film

It's not in the market yet
They only gave it to me for a trial cut

Well, it worked like a wonder dose
The Bear gave me his very best pose

He thought modeling was such a ball
He didn't eat the Pole after all

I kept on my boot
And shook his paw after the shoot

----- Written on 8 April 2006

My little black and tan coonhound

2006-04-29T19:58:00.000+05:30

My little black and tan coonhound
Whom I got from the pound

Is very, very sound

Today he stood atop a mound
And howled that the world was round

---- Written on 5 April 2006

Green Cock on an old wall

2006-04-29T19:57:00.000+05:30

First I drew a green cock on an old wall
Then a purple cat throwing a beach ball
And a magenta woman standing seven feet tall

But they said that’s not how you draw
Come here and we’ll show you how

They said draw a crow with a bow
And color him black at one go
Draw a rabbit with a carrot
And a bright green parrot

Now isn’t that nice?
I said can I now draw some cerulean blue mice?

Egad, they said, not in our hall!
So I went out and started again on the wall.

---- Written on 3 April 2006

The Genie got mugged in the bottle

2006-04-29T19:55:00.000+05:30

The Genie got mugged in the bottle
We heard this morning from Mr. Cottle

Mr. Cottle is our milkman
He knows more than our newsman

He shook his head and said
Poor Genie, they left him for dead

We gather ‘round and asked, “Who?”
Mr. Cottle shrugged and said, "Ask my shoe.”

The point is not who done it
But why they done it

It is a sign of modern awful times
Why, people even attack glass window chimes

It’s that sort that went for poor Genie
Who else would bother with that weenie?

Why, if you asked him for one wish
You got pelted with spiny fish

The last time I asked him for three
I got to wash three dozen dirty dishes for free

It’s no wonder he couldna muster up no self-defense
You need powerful stuff to deal with the nonsense

They say he tried to conjure up a ferocious dog
And what hopped away was a large green frog

In this Age, magic don’t work
Or else, we said, Genie is too much of a dork

We mustn’t say it e’en if it’s true, said Mr. Cottle
Afterall the dork did get mugged in the bottle

---- Written on 29 March 2006

Pyaasi Chudel

2006-04-29T19:54:00.001+05:30

The film poster on the wall
Stood 24 inches tall

The title announced ‘Pyaasi Chudel’
Certainly this could be no fun in the dale

No way, I said, we aren’t going to watch that
Would you rather, inquired my friends, act in it this Sat?

So in we went and almost did an about-face
Because, there, decked all in lace

Sat the Iron Lady,
Our College Principal, Sadie

It was the moment of truth
Would she read us the Book of Ruth

She looked right through us
We decided not to take the bus

The moment passed
The crowd massed

I can’t believe, said Soll, that she’s here with a male
When she always gives us such puritanical hell

Shhhh, we said, ‘cause the movie then began
And out on the screen the Chudel ran

It was all completely hopeless
Never before had we been so fearless

The crowd jumped at her scream
We said, Jeez, that wouldn’t curdle cream

She tore the body
We said, oh, that’s shoddy

C’mon, try some more
Give us some real bloody gore

She screeched and bared her fang
We whistled and sang

She tucked into the flesh
We watched without making a finger mesh

Dozens and dozens died
None of us sighed

The heroine came and, of course, took all the blame
We shouted, oh, c’mon, don’t be so bloomin’ lame

Hey, people, she’s just taking the fall for the hero
Would you do something so dumb for that big, fat ZERO??

Be quiet, hollered a neighbor
He wasn’t exactly sober

What do you, he shouted, know about loOOOOOve
He nearly told us everything he knew ‘cept he got a shove

We’ve paid good money, said the new man
So you can all shut your can

He hit me, shouted the drunk,
You can pay for that, you skunk!

There was a fine scuffle
That ended when someone threw a duffle

The usher arrived on a run
And tripped over our college nun

At their combined howl
The Chudel dropped her blood-splattered bowl

The heroine shrank and wailed
The hero took off and sailed

The Chudel ignored them
She had discovered new game

She stepped out from the screen
And everyone turned frightfully green….

But Sadie straightened and didn’t turn yellow
We should have known that even a monster wouldn’t make her mellow

Now we don’t want to give away the rest of the plot
We know you’d rather wait until the end to know if anyone got away from the blot

So we’ll tell you rightaway that we lived that Sat
And, on Monday, Sadie put us on the Mat

Incidentally, the man with her that day
He was her blood brother, a Bishop from Mandalay

---- Written on 27 March 2006

Breakfast Bedlam

2006-04-29T19:54:00.000+05:30

In the morning, when we woke up
There was a bottle of ketchup

By the time breakfast was over
You could see clear through to Dover

You’re an impossible lot, exclaimed Mum
That’s the tenth one this week, by gum!

Anyone would think I work hard for my boss
Just to keep you lot in tomato sauce

Seven children and three dogs is not a joke
Especially after you’ve just fallen over the umbrella stand and fourteen bottles of coke

Who’s been rearranging the entire house in the passage anyway?
Aren’t you people going to develop some sense some day?

No way, Terry and Jerry, we aren’t going to have a party
Especially NOT one you call arty

NO to you too, Tom, Dick, and Larry,
We aren’t inviting Will, Rob, and Cary,

No one parties and no one stays over
We don’t have that much insurance cover

Don’t smirk, Jenna Rose,
That lipstick SO totally goes!

I wish your Dad would look up from those damned papers
And keep a close eye instead on your capers

There’s a lot more happening in this house, I’m sure
Then with all the world and its poor

Are you going to LISTEN to me here?
No, I’m NOT going to pass you a third can of beer!

Stop barking, Stumper and Bumper,
And Josie, baby, you’re not to feed Jumper

Wait a sec, who’s that?
Listen here, husband, don’t just say what?

We have eight kids at the table
That means there’s an extra one in the stable

No, I damn well haven’t given birth since we sat down
This one here belongs to Mrs. Brown

Look up and read my lips, you boor
This one lives next door

What, said Dad, not our kid
But Mrs. Brown’s Sid?

Goddamn, I don’t believe it
Why, I even bathed the little shit

It was one hell of a struggle
He even said I was a goddamn Muggle

Oi, Harry, you’re going home, by Jove
Take your broom and shove

And I’m amazed by you lot, I am
You should have pointed out the Cuckoo in the Family Jam

What is it with this family?
Why does every meal require a homily?

You need to do something here, wife
This is turning into a circus kind of life

The organization is haywire and there is no spare tire
We’re beginning to resemble the end dregs of the Roman Empire

You need to sit these kids down for a talk
And you need to get them to walk the talk.

Oh yeah, inquired Mum, with a glint.
Sounding even more like a flint.

Well, said Dad, and saved the homily for another day
It wouldn’t have been very wise today.

When Mum gets really upset
Smart people vacate the earth in a jet

Dad decided it was best to do an about turn
Than let any of his fingers burn

Children, he said, I need your help to keep the peace
For starters, shut up and give your Mum a kiss.

---- Written on 25 March 2006

God Said To the Fanatics

2006-04-29T19:52:00.000+05:30

'God said to the fanatics
Lissen up, fellas, I’m SO fed-up with your lunatics!

STOP trying to put me into a strait-jacket!
And CUT out that there racket!!

Let the cartoonists draw in peace,
And let that old painter paint me without a stitch.

If there is any shame here,
It’s what you do in my name there!

I don’t want to hurt your feelings now,
But I have to say this before you start more bloody pow wow.

If I really needed any defense,
Don’t you think I would pick someone with a little sense?

Now, people, I won’t say this again,
I’ll just send down mighty thunder and rain.

Chill it, damn you, on your part,
Because, goddamn it, I LIKE art!!'

---- Written on 17 March 2006

Love is not part of OUR Culture

2006-04-29T19:50:00.000+05:30

Love is not part of our culture
Before we let it become a fixture
We’ll reveal our uncivilized nature

We’ll beat up lovers in Meerut
We’ll even harass them in Surat

We'll vandalize shops and break every window glass
We'll prevent other people from being commercially crass

Afterall we have to protect our culture
From the influence of the Western vulture

It would be the ABSOLUTE END if we acknowledged St. Valentine
We'd rather much turn our insecurities and intolerance into a smug, self-righteous shrine

Love, as you see, is not part of OUR culture!!

---- Written on 8 March 2006

I write Pomes

2006-04-29T19:49:00.000+05:30

Pomes are nonsense poems. I say so.